Dirty Heart Blues

To my kinky side:  I’m sorry.  I have neglected you for oh so long, and I must pay my penance.

You never had a priority – everything else in my life was just so much more important, from unfulfilling jobs and ridiculous schedules to sitting on the internet and vegging for hours at a time.  This is a sin, and I have only recently recognized its gravity.

I went to COPE this weekend, and what was expected to be simply a grand play party with some lessons thrown in turned into a full-blown deep sea expedition into my own psyche.  Play morphed into something completely new and, at the same time, something intensely familiar.  I remembered what it was like to be absolutely in love with what I’m doing right now.

There were two classes and two scenes that really helped to drive this home.  I discovered that I was, in fact, not the only person that found the absurd and ridiculous sexy.   I found a process to thinking about identity and relationships with others, and how to differentiate between the essence of my being and the driving core to my life.  I experienced the absolute joy of being secure in my desires, as well as the confidence to request them and the freedom to relish them completely as they are fulfilled.

Finally, I shared the shock of unleashing a previously untapped appreciation for play that, until my ego and established thought processes had been pushed aside, I never thought I would actually do – let alone relish.

I am grateful for all the people that helped guide me to these realizations.  A few had very limited to no contact whatsoever with me, while some were intimately involved with the process (though unaware at the time).  Without the instructors’ willingness to put themselves out there and share their experiences, some of us would never be inspired and driven to grow.

I feel revitalized and scrubbed fresh, all aglow with the effort of thousands of tiny sharp lessons and questions to cut away the needless complications.

Thank you.