He had his eyes closed, listening to some generic rap song turned up way too loud on his headphones.  No doubt he’d normally be instantly judged as a troublemaker or a gang member, but in that instant all she could see was how young he was.  Those thick eyelashes resting on cheeks still plump with baby fat…just a kid, trying to act like something resembling an adult.  She automatically thought of all the times she’d cooed over adorable babies in that same state, and he was irrevocably imbued with that sweet innocence.

He got up and walked away a moment later, complete with the typical swagger of an arrogant young man…but the innocence on his face stuck with her until he disappeared from sight.

Sometimes she sees a post-nuclear world, where mankind has lost the main battle and has been relegated to its beginnings – gathering food from Mother Nature as she reclaims her planet.  Buildings deserted and disintegrating under the weight of grass and trees, and animals using the ruins as new, more secure homes.  It moves her violently sometimes, and she can get lost in that apocalypse so easily, until the rumbling of the train jolts her back to awareness.

Other times, she sees life bustling wildly – people hurrying to and fro, manic and lost in their own worlds, just as she appears at that particular instant.  She wonders what they’re thinking, tries to guess at their deepest secrets, and wishes them well as they move past her without even registering her presence. She doesn’t miss being so self-absorbed – it kept her from noticing the flowers peeking through the cracks of concrete and steel.

You never had a priority – everything else in my life was just so much more important, from unfulfilling jobs and ridiculous schedules to sitting on the internet and vegging for hours at a time.  This is a sin, and I have only recently recognized its gravity.

I went to COPE this weekend, and what was expected to be simply a grand play party with some lessons thrown in turned into a full-blown deep sea expedition into my own psyche.  Play morphed into something completely new and, at the same time, something intensely familiar.  I remembered what it was like to be absolutely in love with what I’m doing right now.

There were two classes and two scenes that really helped to drive this home.  I discovered that I was, in fact, not the only person that found the absurd and ridiculous sexy.   I found a process to thinking about identity and relationships with others, and how to differentiate between the essence of my being and the driving core to my life.  I experienced the absolute joy of being secure in my desires, as well as the confidence to request them and the freedom to relish them completely as they are fulfilled.

Finally, I shared the shock of unleashing a previously untapped appreciation for play that, until my ego and established thought processes had been pushed aside, I never thought I would actually do – let alone relish.

I am grateful for all the people that helped guide me to these realizations.  A few had very limited to no contact whatsoever with me, while some were intimately involved with the process (though unaware at the time).  Without the instructors’ willingness to put themselves out there and share their experiences, some of us would never be inspired and driven to grow.

I feel revitalized and scrubbed fresh, all aglow with the effort of thousands of tiny sharp lessons and questions to cut away the needless complications.

Thank you.