**Disclaimer: I wrote this on little sleep, and it’s somewhat rambly and nonsensical, I think. I post it as an exercise in keeping myself honest and open. I have not proofread it – the rant is unedited entirely. You have been warned.
I don’t play with that many people.
Perhaps that’s a trust issue on my part. I don’t like to let many in that close to me, and kink is so incredibly personal.
More than that though, I think, is my passion for the human body. When I play with someone, I fall in love with their body- the way it moves with mine, the way they smell, the way they feel against me. The essence of that person’s presence infuses me so totally.
When I really get personal in a scene, whether I’m a Domme or sub, I fall into this passionate infatuation with the being sharing the scene with me. I’m stunned into near worship of the achingly beautiful, flawed yet perfect form that is humanity. Its fragility, its resilience, the beautiful patterns made by floggers, crops, and whips on skin.
I find that this state is terrifyingly rare for me, though. There are flashes of it with lovers – moments in time where all I can think is how much I want that piece of skin right there in my mouth – but the reality-eclipsing passion? Sorely lacking in its regular appearance of late.
It’s easier to find when I submit. The essence of worship and adoration is inherent in my submission, and it’s a rare personality that can inspire it in me. I’ve come to hold my self-control too dear to me to hand it out freely, even in small doses. When I do, it’s carefully considered, weighed, and planned.
Finding that headspace as a Domme, however, is elusive. I haven’t yet figured out what precisely trips that trigger, and I find myself hovering in this mostly satisfying yet disappointingly superficial play state. I’m teasing, saccharine and cloying, too sweet to be palatable and force-feeding the easy torment that I seem to love dishing out. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and I almost feel sated when I’m done, but not quite.
How do I find this all-encompassing state? I fear playing too much with those that are not my partners, because I don’t know how to trust that far yet. I fear playing mad scientist with my experiments on my lovers, with the struggles of burnout and the confines of preexisting patterns that would need to be broken – and the uncertainty of what that may bring and my preparedness for it. Am I a strong enough Domme to take responsibility for my experiments, and the risks they entail?
Hell, I don’t even know what those experiments may be. I have no clue where to start. How do I recreate what has happened before and pinpoint what has flipped the switch? Would that even work?
My concerns seem to be nothing but an amorphous blob, vague and cloudy. I try to articulate them, but how well am I doing? Am I even succeeding in explaining things to myself?
I put this out there as a challenge, both to myself and to others, to explore limits and passions. To never cease the pursuit of that awe-filled nirvana, however it is reached. To examine motivations, compulsions, desires – find out what fans those flames, and the origin of the sparks.
I seek joy in my kink, and every introspection is another step closer to it. Utter joy is my goal, and the inspiration for my life, my art, my voice, my loves. Joy in pain, in pleasure, in loneliness, in comfort. Joy in the tedium, in the unexpected, in the everyday and in the once-in-a-lifetime. Joy comes from within, not from the world, and my inner search continues unabated.
